Hey cancer, FUCK YOU. that is all

If your on welfare and getting a tattoo, at least put my name in there since I just helped pay for it.

Dear Starburst, your fruit chews are delightful, but why must you package them each in their own straightjacket?

You think Mexicans cut their pizza with little ceasars?

Hey dudes with an it's a jeep thing you wouldn't understand sticker. I'm more of a vagina enthusiast, I don't expect you to understand.

Hey people wearing your bluetooth headsets, you look like fucktards.
Signed,
Everyone

You guys know tweets can be cool without your power word hashtag strong finishes right?

The people who lock their tweets are probably the same people who lock the doors on their 92 Honda civic.

Just got a hundred dollar ticket in the mail from one of those red light cameras. I'm gonna take a picture of a $100 and mail it back.

No no your cool dude but seriously, that horse you rode in on?? Fuck him.

A&E announces it's next new reality show, Swamp Ass, starring Kim Kardashian

There are a few things worth splurging for in life; good weed, good beer and high quality soft toilet paper.

Being retweeted by someone with no followers is like launching an advertising billboard campaign in space. Is there anybody out there.......

OMG!!!! it's 11:12 on 11/12!!!!!!

Note to self, turn phone on mute when shooting pics of the woman's sexy ass in front of you in line at the grocery store.

There's no way I'm the only person that yells at the tv while watching hoarders.


Throw that shit away bitch!!!!

If you refer to your car as a pussy magnet, it's safe to say you haven't had any since the purchase of said vehicle.

Facebook has the poke button, twitter needs the punch you in the muthafuckin mouth button.

I'm not so concerned with a followback, but an occasional reach around would be nice.

When I think about me, I touch myself.