Twitter has become my new Saturday morning cartoons.

We live in NY and my gf just asked me if we're on Mountain Time or Pacific Time.
....

She has an amazing set of boobs, guys!

Twitter users know there is a difference between Twitter and real life. Facebook users think Facebook IS real life.

I have 2 yrs worth of tweets in my Draft folder and I've instructed my estate to send a tweet a day so you fuckers won't even know I'm dead.

MILFs. Turning poolboys into poolmen since the mid 80's.

Don't those guys get tired of shufflelin' every day?

All I'm saying is that if you have multiple accounts and you can keep up with all this shit, then you're a fucking genius.

With no life.

My parents won't tell you, but i will...


I am their favorite child.

Who's in charge of the U.S. Secret Service? Charley Sheen??

So proud of myself...6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Facebook = a boring thanksgiving dinner with the family.

Twitter = making out with your hot cousin while the family has a boring dinner.

Should be grounds for divorce if she insists the toilet paper should go under the roll, instead of over the top like its meant to be.

If you want to know what God smells like, just open up a fresh bag of coffee.

I keep my avi constant because that's how you guys know me.

If I change it you'll be like "Hey, who's this fucker with the great jokes?"

I think Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

They don't get my jokes over on Facebook.

YOU guys are smarter than Facebook.

Cheers!

Not to be outdone by Facebook, Google Plus has offered to buy Angry Birds for 1 Trillion dollars.

Accidentally brushed my teeth with a tube of Vagisil my GF left behind this morning.

On the plus side, my teeth don't itch anymore.

How do you women walk around without a penis?

Wait, they kill each other in the Hunger Games?

Great! Let's have one with the cast of Jersey Shore and the Kardashians.