And then I was all: "I'm really getting sick of your shit, bitch."

And then she was all: "To speak with a representative please press 7."

Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.

The cat peed on my chair, so I Googled how to get rid of the smell.

Now my chair smells like vinegar.

And cat pee.

Well played, Google.

"Mornin' sweetie, for breakfast we have marzipan filled, double layered raspberry pastries. Yum!"

"Poptarts, mom. They're called Poptarts."

Saw a FB group called 'I hate rapists'. *Phew* glad we solved that problem. Anything else we need to tackle while I've got the keyboard out?

Some of my followers still don't get it: NOTHING I tweet is serious folks.

Unless it's about your mom...

That shit comes from the heart.

Well shit, now I'm confused. Did God bless America or did he save the Queen?

Just found out the hard way that hubby doesn't know the difference between tampons and maxi pads.

I wonder if he knows how babies are made.

"Well.. the least you could do is send her a card."

"No, the least I could do is nothing."

Excuse me, ma'am? Ya'lls medical history form says to circle how often I consume alcoholic beverages, but there is no 'hourly' option?

Emergency vehicles on my street. Its taking every bit of strength not to grab pink curlers, throw on my tube top & waltz out there barefoot.

It's not you, it's your tweets.

Just found out about TweetDeck... Apparently not everyone writes their tweets using a single golden duck feather dipped in their own blood.

OKAY MY RITALIN JUST KICKED IN WE HAVE 27 MINUTES TO WRITE FUNNY SHIT LETS DO THIS-- WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE KILLER WHALES AMIRIGHT?!?!

"Hey mom, I talked to my teacher after school and she says 'hump day' isn't a real holiday... She also asked what you do for a living."

Hubbie said he didn't buy me Pepsi at the store because I'm sick & need to drink water.

All I heard was 'Bla bla bla you can drink my beer'

Breaking News Update: "Google pullout from China imminent".

Cue condom jokes in 5.. 4.. 3.. 2..

And we're live.

So because of this new Favstar rule, I've actually been reading your tweets.

Some of you are pretty funny!

So many babies. So little ketchup.

"In my day they had things called 'tweet ups', but then they figured out that being smart and funny is strongly related to social anxiety.."