Turns out NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE signs are negotiable when you have tits.

Tequila is just a large bottle of panty-remover.

My boobs float because they're above C level.

Cum doesn't taste so bad when you mix it with low self-esteem and daddy issues.

If it walks like a duck... she probably got banged properly

Some days you're the tea-bag, some days you're the chin.

'I will star all your tweets but never follow' is the new 'I like you. I just don't want people to see us together in public.'

When life gives me lemons, I get on my knees and thank God for sending subliminal messages about it being tequila time.

4 out of 5 doctors agree that I would leave my husband for them.

I think if God wanted me to pay for drinks he wouldn't have given me such perfect tits.

Just found out that 1 out of 2 people enjoy sex in their marriages.

My guess is that it's the husband.

My misery likes tequila, not company.

'Follow, un-follow, re-follow' is the new 'I don't care about him. I don't miss him. Want to drive by his house?'

The kind of love I want from my husband comes in spurts.

Give a man a woman, and he'll be happy for a day. Teach a man about women, and he'll be miserable the rest of his life.

Do people who take sleeping pills not know how to masturbate?

I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

Well this beer isn't going to throw itself up.

Twitter is the only place where it is okay to judge people you don't even know. Makes me feel right at home.

It's cute how my husband readjusts his nuts like I didn't cut them off the day we got married.