I wanna fuck so hard we have to exchange insurance information.

Are there really people on twitter who complain about getting retweeted by someone with only a few followers??

FUCK YOU

Retweet that.

Most guy's dicks are like a Nintendo cartridge; if it's not working, pull it out, blow on it, and it should work when you put it back in.

We get it, you think Adele is fat.

I don't hear her making fun of you for not being a multi-millionaire, and having no fuckin' talent.

You think YOU'RE poor?? The Hamburglar steals food from fuckin' McDonalds.

Admit it ladies; if I walked in a crowded room and yelled, "YOU FUCKIN' CRAZY BITCH!", for a moment, you'd think I was talking to you.

Why is anal such a big argument? We all know women love assholes.

My porn name is Cameraman.

Having sex is like vacuuming; Hopefully it's loud, involves lots of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.

A church unfollowed me?? You gotta be fuckin' kidding me!

It never fucking fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

You ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?

I don't.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don't have mixed tapes anymore?

I can't imagine how annoying it must be to hear Hulk Hogan have a conversation with his brother.

You guys, I just spilt milk...

Oh my God, I told myself I wouldn't cry...

How can we really trust Ronald McDonald around our children, when his best friends are a thief and a giant purple butt-plug?

That awkward moment when you realize your favorite tweet you wrote all day went virtually unnoticed.

Ooh, so you see black clouds, and assume bad weather??

Fuckin' sky racist.

Miniature lobsters - That fish cray.

Just called someone, and their ringback tone was a Nickelback song.

I cupped my ear, deleted the contact, and threw my phone in the toilet.