Mouth piercings look like robot herpes.

If it wasn't for walks of shame, I'd never get any exercise.

I wasn't retweeted enough as a child.

Girls don't "shit", we radiate pink velveteen sphincter stars as the moon weeps honey tears into a glittery pool of 80's power ballads.

Today I smoked a bunch of weed and hand fed a family of squirrels. I'm like a motherfucking Disney princess.

Last name: Ever. First name: Greatest. Middle name: Hashbrowns.

Why would I want kids when I can have booze & drugs & vacations?

I bet the underside of Steven Seagal's ponytail smells like pork lo mein & forced sodomy.

Wearing a hospital bracelet, drinking tequila & making blowjob motions to everyone at the airport bar. I've become my mother.

You say "low self esteem," I say "gives good head."

I'm eating for 2 now!!! (me & my depression)

I know alcohol is never the answer, but it's always my best guess.

SPOILER ALERT: At the end of Twitter, we all fucking die.

All the guys at this bar look like their favorite sex position is rape.

Hey ladies, take it up a notch & try inserting 1 more finger today!

If you're not using the empty wrapping paper tubes to have a drunken sword fight, then you need to get your shit together.

I'm so high, the concept of having pets is terrifying me. We let ANIMALS live inside our HOMES! What the fuck are we doing?

If you're shitting in a public restroom, don't wait for everyone to leave before you emerge from the stall. Some of us want to meet you!

I don't struggle with alcoholism, I cuddle with it.

Don't need the gym, I workout by running away from my problems.