@pattonoswalt "So here's Kung-Fu Mrs. Robinson" #MoreExcitingSimonAndGarfunkel

@thesulk Two Saudis at one party? I don't like the sand of that.

@MikeDrucker From Beer to Eternity #englishmajordrinks

RTing people's compliments is the "waving your money-clip at barman" of the internet.

Using "Mamet Speak" in everyday life is a great way to save time and have no friends.

@abobrow Awjward chat w/ gals. Describes sex as feeling "like getting stabbed... down there... nicely" #LostWorkItStoryLines

@abobrow Have to run your friend to abortion clinic, but the big game is on TV tonight! #LostWorkItStorylines

@abobrow Have to pretend you like Sex & The City for reason other than "The sex bits" #LostWorkItStorylines #runninggag #emmy

When I was 9, I remember I lost my boxers in the changing rooms after swimming then I saw Halloween 4 accidentally. That day can shut up.

@Charlie628 @a1950sHousewife That just brought a tear to my eye. My downstairs eye, that is.

@Deerflesh @InternetKelvin Great episode, guys! ("You’re like a benign tumor... with hair. And teeth.")

Oh man, I wish I went to Liquid & Envy in Romford on Sunday. Looks so fun http://t.co/fTRhKyba

@Charlie628 I lost my virginity in north London, please RT.

So, are the Game of Thrones producers running out of English actors or is the acting standard just fizzling out? Been pretty bad, lately.

I'm not drunk, I'm just in the physiological state that occurs when a person has a high level of ethanol in his or her blood.

"OMG why are USA saying 30 degrees is so cold? LOL that's holiday weather here! LOL" - Someone who will have children one day

Oh my god, you've heard of Star Wars? Please continue to post tangentially-related Star Wars jokes that aren't funny.

@EireannDolan @JonasPolsky I nearly broke my computer, spitting out my drink at that one.

@stephaniesits @LouisPeitzman @jackwhuff Not the only autistic comedy nerd.

@abobrow Go on a date, try not to correct guy on his incorrect football knowledge. D'oh! #LostWorkItStorylines