I wanna see a Breast Cancer Awareness T-shirt that says, "Yes they're fake!! My real ones tried to kill me!!"

5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

If u give up smoking, drinking, and sex.....u don't live longer. It just SEEMS longer.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.

I don't call it "laziness." I call it "selective participation."

Ok. It's over then. We're through. Fine. Fuck you. I hate you. Die. Call me when you get off work.

Sometimes, when the sun catches your face just right, you look like a total fucking asshole.

When I walk into a bar, I can usually spot the biggest slut immediately, depending on where the nearest mirror is.

Blondes might have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

Honestly, I love every single some of you.......

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

I am at my absolute whoriest when I am having sex with people for money.

There are more cliques on Twitter than there were in 8th grade. It's pathetic.




Now, where are my people to back me up on this one????

I'm in the Jehovah Witness Protection Program.

Twitter is the new "Hotel California." Because you can check out any time you like..... but you can never leave.

Ironically, the Boogeyman was a terrible dancer.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him






GOD, I hope he calls me.