My sister lives so far back in the woods, my GPS kept saying, "I hear banjo music."

If Superman robs a bank, and spins the Earth back before the robbery, is the cash in the bank or his pocket. I need to know these things.

Tweeps give stars instead of applause, because it take two free hands to applaud.

Normally I would find the phrase "someone blew a transformer" funny, but when it means I'm without internet, not so much.

If you're looking for something poorly written, rife with inconsistencies, and dull as dirt. I recommend my tweets... or The Bible.

Feelin' like a total moron. Tried to type a comma six times, kept getting a semicolon, then I brushed the speck off the screen.

Fuck you, Folgers. The best part of wakin' up is the still breathing part.

I'm in for hell. My dog farted, sniffed her own ass, then jumped up and left the room. Call 911 if I don't tweet again.

When I see a guy with a shaved chest and his bio includes, "actor, model, dancer," I assume he meant, "fairy princess."

I'm a 3 star person in a 300 star world.

Retweeting an egg avi just encourages it to never hatch.

Hmm, I've been unfollowed by a fitness person. I would chase 'em down to ask why, but this sofa is SO comfy.

The christian right fears letting homosexuals serve in the military. They might lose their favorite priests/ministers.

Fortune cookie said that 90 days from that day, my fondest dream would come true, apparently my fondest dream was a new pack of tube socks.

Why would I wanna find that someone who completes me? Then I would be a complete asshole.

22 followers, yet your tweets are locked. Kinda like a crazy man on street corner with a bullhorn......inside a plastic bubble.

I read that the Catholic church removed several priests. The church apparently decided to give up pedophiles for Lent.

Than you, urban dictionary. I had no idea.

Fuck you, urban dictionary. I want my innocence back.

There is nothing to fear, but fear itself. That skinhead in the alley with a knife is a real kitten.

"Over capacity," was annoying, but timeline ghost town is down right spooky.