I think I died a little on the inside when I found out that the grocery store ran out of my favorite flavor of Kool-Aid.

I just murdered the rest of the gummy bears. Colorful little bastards.

I'm halfway through this York peppermint patty, and I'm starting to think that the woman in the commercial was faking her excitement.

Superman's underpants are on the outside.
Peter Pan wears a tunic and leggings.

People who can fly obviously have no sense of fashion.

When life hands me lemons, I log onto Twitter to see what everybody else pretends to do with them.

Said my Grandmother upon encountering a Dícks Sporting Goods flyer: "Ooo Dícks! I love Dícks!"

True tweets are always the most hilarious.

I wish I was Canadian. That way, I'd be able to get away with ANYTHING while driving. : )

Yes I'm Native American.
No I don't live in a teepee.

That sure killed your "Where do you peepee in a teepee" joke, didn't it?

I know that something is lacking in my life when I get excited over berry-flavored antacids at Walgreens.

Honestly, I thought BDSM was an abbreviation for Buddhism. That still doesn't explain Grandma's affinity for booster cables, though.

I'm going to log off Twitter to pretend that I actually have a life.

Looks like it's just you and me again tonight, dirty dishes. #sigh

Apparently, "In your Refrigerator" is a suburb of Indianapolis. Thanks, Google.

Party in a bit. I know that after a few I am going to be ƃuıʇǝǝʍʇ ǝʞıן sıɥʇ˙

"Baby, you can call me anytime" said a pretty lady to me never.

I feel devious today. Like stomp on loaves of white bread and squish tomatoes in my hand devious.

I eat popcorn with chopsticks, for I am a serious neat freak when it comes to personal hygiene. My bedroom certainly begs to differ though.

Only I can make the postlady secretly furious at me for accidentally filling out all six of my money orders wrong.

Based upon what I have seen today, I am going to assume that the new fad is to cart around large appliances in the back of pickup trucks.

Has anybody ever tested the myth where worms will crawl out of raw pork if cola is poured on it? If true, I'm becoming a vegetarian.

Everybody thinks that just because you are young, you have all the time in the world to help them rearrange their curio cabinets.