I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

If Batman doesn't wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.

If I win the lottery tonight, I'm going to fill my car all the way up with gas.

There are lots of people with less than 500 followers with genius timelines. Find them. RT them. Makes this place better.

Kelly Clarkson, and Adele walk into a bar.
Not at the same time, of course. There are fire codes, and laws of physics.

I found a FRUITY Pebble in my box of COCOA Pebbles!! I rescued it, nurtured it, and named it RuPaul.

Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

Neighbor's cat has brought a dead bird, a snake, and a mouse to my doorstep. It's wasting its time until I see the head of John Mayer.

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because kids that eat Taco Bell can't climb, or run.

Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite, and he's a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm an asshole? Really, History?

Just saw a black guy with a cowboy hat in a Volkswagen Golf. Your move, Loch Ness Monster

Safe to say that after 79 dogs in 8 years, I'm a huge dog fan. Mysterious creatures. They live such short lives, and eat SO much chocolate!

Don't you hate it when you craft a great tweet that's so funny that no one stars it due to the tears of laughter filling their eyes?

If you really want to be romantic, grab her from behind, tell her you love her, and do the dishes.

Surely other people make the throat slash gesture at screaming brats when their parents look away.

I've Etch-A-Sketched hotter girls than Gwyneth Paltrow.

If there's anything that I've learned, it's that people hate name droppers. Picked that little nugget up from Bobby De Niro.

Being a doctor was awesome a thousand years ago. Back ache? Drill a hole in your head, let the demon out. Headache? Drill. Fever? Drill.

"I've got a frog in my throat" -- Miss Piggy 1982

Pretty sure Coldplay's next video is just going to be me washing a cucumber in slow motion.