Just finished my "Dexter"-inspired screenplay about a rapist who only rapes rapists! Wish me luck!

Ron Paul sounds 90% sane, but that's like saying "Here's a delicious cake made with just ONE spoonful of dogshit."

A typo on twitter isn't truly fixed until every person who saw it is dead. The shame will live in the hearts of others for years to come.

"What are farts, dad?" "Well, they're the sad, angry ghosts of murdered plants and animals, escaping our body."

"A fart is a wish your ass makes." --Walt Disney

If one of you had a zombie bite, I'd cowboy up and shoot you. Even if it wasn't a 100% for-sure zombie bite. Even if there were no zombies.

Dear Hollywood: I'd pay $150/hour to watch Jason Bourne take on some juggalos.

Optimist: "The ass is half full."
Pessimist: "The ass is half empty."
Realist: "I have to shit."

Michele Bachmann finds herself in a room with a gun, a lawyer & Hitler: "Wow, a free gun! Oh, hi, fellas! I want to talk to you about gays."

The entire world: "FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!!!!!" Artists: "Fuck you! You can't keep me down! I'm going to follow my dreams!"

I have footage of Michele Bachmann chewing her way out of a dead child's ribcage, if anyone's interested.

When Justin Bieber starts his cutting phase, I bet he'll be shocked when the beanie baby sand pours out.

It's going to be a little touchy calling people the day after the Rapture. You don't want to act like you assumed they'd be home.

I'd like to die in my sleep, so if you find me bleeding to death somewhere, will you gently push a Lunesta down my throat?

I'm so excited for the final Harry Potter movie. I hope they finally explain where the first Dumbledore went!

CTHULOOPS #breakfastcerealofthedamned

Dear @SecretService: If you ever need to assign codenames to Michele and Marcus Bachmann, please consider "Gollum & Precious."

These would make awesome last words: "The gold... the gold is in the BABY."

Restaurant Activity: Walk over to a table of strangers and ask, "Who ordered the farts?" Then, fart.

Florida is probably the closest thing we have to a prison planet.