reading online personal ads. It seems most men aren't into women who play games. That's too bad, I love Scrabble!

I wonder how many bongs I can collect before my mother figures out they're not vases?

Sometimes, I wish I could delete other people's tweets.

I'd get married again, but I haven't met anyone I've hated enough yet.

I could have been anyone I wanted to when I created my twitter account. Why the hell did I chose to be me?

Whenever random people tell me they know me from "somewhere" I just say "Centerfold, August 1982" and walk away.

My 20 year old self would just die if she saw my 48 year old self.

It's easy being young and cute. The real trick is to be old and cute.

Great now my jeans are unzipping themselves at random. I think my body may be taking my lack of sex life into it;s own hands.

I am only on here for entertainment. Please don't try and make me learn anything.

It's all fun and games until someones loses the key to the handcuffs.

Sometimes, I'm ashamed of the tweets I star.

I would never judge you on the color of your skin alone. Footwear, however, is an entirely different matter.

Sometimes, I miss the days before I joined Twitter. You know, before I found out my mom's sex life was more active than mine.

Dude, if you want to continue this relationship you're gonna have to start starring my tweets.

Someone just msgd me that coffee was for old folks. I blocked him for stupidity.

Can I still be your dirty little secret if I've just had a bath?

According to CNN having sex 12 times a month is equivalent to running 7 miles. I know what I want my workout to be.

I wanna do the drugs the writers of Southpark are on.

Please star this tweet! I really want some old ones to fall off my page. :-/