I guess including the bill from my therapist in the Father's Day card was a teensy bit passive-aggressive.

Since breaking up with my boyfriend, I've noticed I crave foods high in protein.

Also, I have gone though two 12 packs of AA batteries.

Sleep is like sex:

I don't get either one as much as I want, nor as deep as I like.

I AM A MOTHERFUCKING CATCH.


AND, I SWALLOW.

File under: Stupid Things I Text to My Dear Friends Under the Influence of Ambien.

What happens in Wales stays in Wales because sheep can't talk.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood & I took the one less traveled by.
Now I'm stuck in a rut & lost.

Never take directions from a poet.

I bet you could make a lot of money selling vibrators in hotels since no one would fly with them.

NO REASON.

JUST THINKING OUT LOUD.

If my ex went down on me as much as Twitter, we might still be married.

Girl in the dressing room next door is complaining a size zero is too big.
If I kick her ass, any court of law would find me not guilty.

I'm trying to figure out how many calories of alcohol I can have for my dinner.

Being an adult is hard.

I am not allowed to swear on FB anymore due to a crack down by my sisters.

And yes, I have unfollowed and blocked those bitches.

I need to come up with something I'm thankful for before tomorrow. Otherwise, it will be really awkward when I say "my vibrator".

I don't know if I can date you just yet; we are only linked by two social networks.

What I lack in grace, I make up for by having a great rack.

June is National Celibacy Awareness Month.


Celibacy sucks.


Consider yourself aware. Please excuse me while I go get laid.

me: WHAT'S THE FIRST RULE OF SOCIAL MEDIA CLUB?"

him: Talk endlessly about Social Media Club?"

What does a naked girl in bed have to do to get breakfast around here?


Get a boyfried?


Touché, Twitter.

How can my dog be stupid enough to eat his own crap, but smart enough to find his medicine when I hide it in his food?

In case you don't already know:

It's harder to put on a bra while driving then it is to take it off.

The last time I had this little sex, I was married.