Wife got me a book called "Start being a husband". Anyone knows where can I find a book called "Stop being a cunt", and some gift wrap?

Cant wait to see what my ex wife will be this Halloween. Last year she was a cunt

The color of our skin was never important. We all are equal. unless you are orange from that self tan cream. Then we don't speak with you

My ipad automatically created a folder called "productivity". we laughed together and deleted it

Received my 100 favs notification, I called dad and read my tweet to him then wept whispering "are you proud of me daddy?". He hung up

Someone in the elevator whispered "you are so sexy". I said "thank you, you're cute too". FUCK him and FUCK his confusing bluetooth headset

I like beautiful charismatic women. Ok I like beautiful women. Alright I like women. FINE I like anything with boobs. One boob will do.

Tweeting is like talking to a wall in a mental institution. Occasionally, you hear someone from behind the wall hysterically laughing

My blackberry corrected "meh" to "mph". Yes, that's how fast I don't give a fuck

Since I'm a pussy who can't quit. I decided to let you guys decide. If I get 10 stars on this tweet I will quit smoking today. Dead serious

You know when you are in the elevator arguing with a hot woman you hate then suddenly you start kissing? yeah, that never happens to me

A Dalai Lama tweet in Favstar is like a little sacred candle in the corner of a dark cheap motel room with a dozen of people fucking

We joke on twitter. But behind every joke there's a real person who struggles with life. Or a retired hooker with a twitter account

I like my woman like my books. Not on a computer screen

Women like men who make them laugh, feel secure, take care of them, listen to them, understand them, and feel their sorrow. Men like women

Son: daddy what does Fuck mean? Me: It means kiss. The look on my wife's face when she heard him says he wants to fuck the cat was priceless

When I read a funny tweet that I don't understand, I star it anyway. I do the samething in church. I say "amen" to things I don't understand

I was annoyed by a man this morning but I had to stay calm. So I said in the most polite voice with a huge smile: Go .. Fuck .. Your .. Self

Somewhere on this earth, there is a fat naked guy in his parents' basement tweeting: Having fun at the beach with ma bitches.

The voices in my head stopped talking about me when I discovered them. Now they quietly text each other