Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

I am woman, hear me overthink the fuck out of everything. Roar.

A girl who always wears a hair elastic on her wrist is a girl who's always ready to give an impromptu blowjob.

Hey moms! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"

Somewhere, George W. snaps a crayon in anger while scowling at the TV in his Flinstones PJs and ten-gallon hat.

I know it's the holidays when I find myself putting crushed up Xanax around the rim of my margarita glass instead of salt.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." - Me, singing to my vitamin D supplement.

If you spoon with a fat person, is it called ladling?

Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.

Ask any girl, and she'll tell you she prefers being barefoot. Ask her how many shoes she owns, she'll say dozens. Lesson: We're crazy.

If girls REALLY wanted nice guys, they'd look for them at Star Wars conventions instead of bars.

Drinking does to life what turning the radio up does to a car's loud engine problem.

We're an eclectic bunch here, but we all have one thing in common: We've sacrificed the chance to run for public office with these tweets.

Women are super awesome at remembering insults but we have the memory of a goldfish with compliments and need them repeated continually.

Guys always complain about how long girls take in the shower like they wouldn't take just as long if they had boobs, water and soap.

I'm at a country music festival, which is pretty much: WalMart: The Musical!

Hold your arms out, kids, while Mommy mists you with Febreze. Mommy's had a tad too much grownup juice to supervise a bath. Close your eyes.

If I were a nun, I would only wear Converse and call my shoes my Nun Chucks!

Retweeting the retweeted tweet and not the original is like sending a thank you card to the mailman for delivering a gift from your mom.

Blowjobs are like video games. You should be trying to knock his ex's high score further down the leaderboard every time you play.