Words: For when an emoticon just isn't enough.

I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.

Yes honey, the "To be ironed" and the "Fuck it" piles are the same. Have a beer.

1. Hate self
2. Compose tweet
3. Post tweet
4. Feel sense of self-worth coupled with artistic satisfaction
5. Find typo
6. Hate self

One day I'll remember that the correct response to "I love you" is not "You better."

Real comfort food has a cork.

Parked outside my office eating marshmallows out of instant hot cocoa packets.

This vacation's not over til I say it's over.

Sir, I exercise, drink lots of water, and am married to a man who likes thick women. Bring the fucking dessert menu.

SO not having sex today. Call me paranoid, but "Mother's Day" sounds like a pretty serious threat.

God, moving sucks. Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?

Hey. First beer. Yeah, you. You're dead to me. DEAD. All I care about now is my second beer. Hiiiii second beer… You've got a purty mouth…

A friend's text: "Sorry I'm late (-)"

What is this? Did she just flash her butthole at me? Is she warding off the Evil Eye? What?

I'm on a plane with people who look like expendable extras.

The best thing about leftovers is shut the fuck up it's food.

Well, I guess these margaritas aren't going to regret themselves...

My husband is never around when I want to treat him like shit for never being around.

The first time my husband wedged his hand in between my head and the headboard, I knew it was love.

Drove into oncoming traffic while popping a pill. Or, glass half-full, helped one lucky driver start a relationship with God.

I wouldn't know what to do with free time if it rubbed me on the clit.

Fuck you all for making me laugh out loud in this mortuary.