The best thing about having the office to myself is getting to rap and not worrying if my black co-worker is judging me.

Nobody ever credits squirrels for how awesome they are at parkour.

Gonna tattoo a map on my scalp so if I die there will be less grieving and more treasure hunting.

Shitty people exist so that you can appreciate the good ones.

Your loss unfollowers, now you'll never know the secret of life.

A little self hatred builds character. Fuck all that love thyself shit.

I guess they're called crushes because they crush your hopes and dreams.

SAY WHITNEY ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME I DARE YA I DOUBLE DARE YA MUTHAFUCKA SAY WHITNEY AGAIN

I want a praying mantis as a pet. Except 50 times normal size so anyone that gets out of line gets chopped to bits.

The best part of eating an ice cream cone is using the end as a tiny dunce hat.

Twitter is training wheels for sociopaths.

The only Jesus that's gonna show up this Saturday is the one that's gonna mow my lawn. #FUCKtheRapture

I have a nice amount of dough saved up. Who wants some fake tits?

Unintentional comedy is the BEST.

I couldn't have done it without you, alcohol. My fistpumps were perfectly timed.

Hey Metallica, I chop my breakfast on a mirror but only because I like to see my cold dead eyes as I feast upon bacon.

Ambition? Integrity? Responsibility? Fuck that shit, I'll keep on tweetin'.

Judge not, lest ye be told to go fornicate thyself.

When Chuck Norris and Michael J. Fox hug, earthquakes are the result.

Follow @arbys on Twitter...for people who like sandwich meat that resembles vagina.