Twitter connects you to like-minded freak-show people you'd normally never meet in your backwater podunk town from Hell.

Can't we just get on with it and convert the elderly into fuel?

Sexual harassment is real, but, let the record reflect so are exaggerating and lying cock gobbling clown makeup faced coke whores.

Sure. God made bisexual flowers & oysters that change their gender based on water temperature, but, He'd never create homosexual people.

Scientists have traced the source of seventeen collegiate herpes outbreaks to one woman. I'm currently waiting on recognition from the CDC.

Being morally bankrupt is way more fun than it sounds.

Ask for The Clown Rape to get a surprise off menu item at In & Out.

If Kanye West's ego was my clitoris, I'd have the biggest penis in the world.

Deleted my Facebook. ... And yet, the questions still plague me: who is tired?! what did that kid I went to high school w/ have for lunch?!

Russel Brand is genetically composed of half a deer staring into headlights, and half *tranny Cher.


(*normal Cher)

If Detroit had a disease it would be Face AIDS.

My ex-girlfriend's pussy is a barn where every filthy pig in Ohio has shat out gobs of their putrid hog venom. (Hope you die cunt.)

If I get AIDS I hope I get the Magic Johnson version.

A t-shirt gun isn't powerful enough to launch a baby, probably.

Grandpa got Lady GaGa disease. Keeps mumbling, "rah, rah, ow, rah, rah, ga, ga, oh la la" and then he tries to assassinate the recliner.

The commercial for Cymbalta scares me more than terrorism ever could.

Life's easy button is called Xanax.

Can't believe Alanis Morisette killed her baby and got away with it.

How do you put out the vibe that you're totally into being molested by anyone with hands?

Falling into a coma still sounds better than lubing up Ricki Lake.