Just heard about Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby. Cognitive dissonance off the charts.

Top 5 Police Academy Movies:
5 - Police Academy 5
4 - Police Academy 4
3 - Police Academy 3
2 - Police Academy 2
1 - Police Academy

My kids have decided they don't respect me. That means I can free them to the street now, right?

If you've seen me trying to make a three-point turn in a large car on
a small street, you've seen me.

I don't fall asleep, I tunnel into sleep like an escaping prisoner.

Gonna starting referring to my car as "my 25 yr old".

We raise the tax to fix the road, we fix the road to go to work, we go to work to pay the tax, perhaps we'll die.

I'm the kind of guy that will bring you flowers, open your car door, and put you on a pedestal, if I'm your pallbearer.

There were four blind elephants each feeling a different part of a man's body could be a missed connection listing in your local alt-weekly.

My cat's zen garden is disgusting.

Corporate philosophy was defined by Rene Discards.

Girlfriend is taking a drug test to get a job. Meanwhile, I'm constantly testing drugs at work for almost 24 years now.

Enjoying my dish of happy family at this Chinese restaurant. I think the folks at the next table must have ordered dysfunctional family.

I once described rain as 'my favourite spectator sport.' Little did I know that one day I'd be good enough to play in it myself.

If you ever feel stuck or constrained in your life, remember that the universe is constantly making more room for you.

ATTENTION NEW JERSEY RESIDENTS THAT WAS NOT THE ECLIPSE I JUST BENT OVER SORRY

Gonna get fish and chips at A Salt And Battery. They also have deep fried cadbury creme eggs but I like not vomiting before a show.

if only i could convince everyone to change the wedding march to the cadence from space invaders

I just kinda know in my bones that if I had a pussy, it would be a super stinky one.

When I was a kid, they'd have laughed your ass off the court if you showed up with a red, white & blue basketball.