They're not ready for "the talk" yet so we just told them that the stork came inside mommy.

If I have a problem with you, I'll text other people about it, like a man.

Being a talented humorist is like being a martial arts expert; half the skill is in knowing when not to use it.

Cocaine just checked into rehab, admitting reports of "exhaustion" were actually a nasty Charlie Sheen habit.

This toilet paper is so soft it's like sticking the Snuggle Bear up my butt, and I would know.

Many of these tweets are brought to you by pot. Pot: A Real Problem with a Cute Image.

Not to be outdone, Eric Schmidt had his liver removed during his lunch hour.

Sarah Palin can see China from the hole she's digging.

The universe is a place where people who are internally conflicted take it out on one another.

Welcome to twitter, where your good mood has a street value of absolutely zero.

I don't know what my Sleep Number is but my Eat Number is definitely 3.14159265.

Lend me your face.......yeah, for that.

Reality is a delusion with third-party confirmation.

We really should stop saying "gay" and "retard" like they are insults. I suggest we say "Leno" and "Palin". Stop being so Leno, you Palin.

While my opinion that bodies are gross hasn't wavered, this is seriously cool. A++ would attend a birth again.

I know I shouldn't text when I'm driving but this is an emergency. Does anyone have a trick for getting a broken cork out of a wine bottle?

Oh great, J-Lo and Steven Tyler are joining American Idol. One's an aging diva casting a sad shadow of lost beauty and the other is J-Lo.

Stop seducing me with your words and start seducing me with your nether mouth.

She accuses me of making bad decisions. Need I remind her who she decided to marry?

Tacos are bond.