Dogs are man's best friend because you have to be tight with someone to let them shit in the living room and continue to stay with you.

Calling her a hot dish, cause that's how I casserole.

Curiously, you can laugh and laugh at a comedian's jokes, yet he still may not care to know what you had for lunch.

The only jobs a politician really cares about creating and protecting are the ones in government for themselves and their friends.

Storming out of intense sandwich negotiations.

Where do you see yourself in 5 beers?

You know who else keeps you in the loop? A hangman.

We're all just guest tweeting for the hive.

The greatest trick the devil ever played was making you feel productive when you're really just fucking around.

When my life flashes before my eyes, I'm probably going to remember this Java update.

What do you get for the dead President who has everything?

It's fuck you degrees outside.

Today is the first post of the rest of your blog.

Lower GI Joe: because going is half the battle.

Never gonna .gif you up.

The Terry Jones episode makes me long for simpler times when a man would pretend his kid was in a runaway balloon for global media attention

I need a new quote for my facebook page. Something truthful but not too highfalutin. Like something from Judge Mathis.

Ain't nuthin but a Tea thing ba-by, bunch a loc'ed out crackers goin cra-zy.

I could be a pretty good money launderer as long as I didn't have to fold it too.

How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?