You can't spell "housewife" without "ho."
…and I can't spell "restaurant" without autocorrect.

When you have "very happily married" in your bio, we read that as "DM me about my other secret account 'cause my spouse watches this one."

If you're having fun on Twitter, you're doing it right no matter how you're doing it.

You call it a "one night stand," I call it "catch and release."

Does every Twitter account come with a free drinking problem?

I <2 typos

I'm going as "Twitter Elite" for Halloween. I'm going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.

I'm always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.

I wonder if AM realizes how bad it sucks compared to PM and FM?

My computer is frozen up. … and it looks like moving my mouse around in circles will not fix the problem.

"I would never use the television as a 'babysitter' for my children." - Somebody who doesn't have kids.

When I get to 1776 followers, I'm going to unfollow all the British people and start a war against them.

If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They'll thank you later.

In case your were wondering, I've decided the emoticon for "Lick my balls!" is: 3q-:

If you're having sex in a dumpster behind a Wendy's, you're doing it wrong but at least you're doing it.

Sometimes Twitter is the trailer park of social media. Drunk, half naked people yelling at each other.

"I slept like a baby last night." - someone who's never had a baby.

If you don't like cuddling after sex, then we could never be cellmates.

I figured out any easy way to get people to follow you... Be interesting.

I checked Facebook so you don't have to:

It's hot.

Dieting and working out sucks.

Pedi pics.

Eating lunch.

It's hot.

You're welcome!