Sundry

@Sundry

Linda

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Do not offend the chair leg of truth. It is wise and terrible.
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@Sundry best tweets
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Sundry
No need to consult your local weather, I made a detailed map for you: http://t.co/ULK5Gx7
@Sundry
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Sundry
ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT I mean can you say that again sweetie, Mommy didn't understand you.
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Sundry
I secretly kind of love their horrified little faces when a Lego gets sucked up in the vacuum. Motherfuckers, I TOLD you to clean that shit.
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Sundry
I should be ashamed of this fawning Ryan Gosling post I wrote, but secretly I hope he reads it.

And calls me.

To make a date.

For SEX.
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Sundry
Sign in front of neighborhood church: "God answers kneemail." Yeah, most men do.
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Sundry
"Jim Bob Duggar Shares Tips for a Happy Marriage" at People.com. Well, you know one thing for sure: it ain't anal.
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Sundry
"I am so sorry to hear you've been in the hospital for 2 weeks. BTW, about my invoice..." Well! THAT was an awkward email to send.
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Sundry
Me: "Aw, honey, skeletons aren't scary. Why, you have a skeleton inside your body right now!"
3yo: *silent, horrified expression*

Biff.
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Sundry
I wonder what Alanis would say about my ten thousand Tupperwares when all I need is a motherfucking LID.
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Sundry
Fired up the new Dyson. The lights dimmed, it devoured a throw rug, burped, shouted "BRING IT!" Dog is now bald. Holyyy shit.
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Sundry
If you ever hear me complain about book deal deadlines involving a publisher and actual money, please gag me with a Dick of Perspective.
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Sundry
You guys. Start at the 3:18 mark, and just WATCH. HER. FACE. http://t.co/Jc6Lahq
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Sundry
Stages of wearing a Big Floaty Long Skirt: 1) la la la I feel so PRETTY 2) Oh god no it's in the toilet it's in the toilet NOOOOOOOOOOO
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Sundry
Candy corn is like tequila in that pretty much everyone has a shared experience of overindulgence and regret.
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Sundry
"I know how to do EVERYTHING," shouts my child indignantly, .2 seconds before walking facefirst into the open car door.
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Cat rubbed on my freshly-moisturized legs this morning and now I look like I'm going to Lilith Fair.
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Sundry
A painfully beautiful article on parenthood: http://t.co/Z1fvfPSA
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Sundry
I keep thinking how I wish I could text my 4-yo at school. I'd be all WATCH OUT DECEPTICON BEHIND YOU HA HA J/K LOVE MOMMY
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Sundry
Bought reusable bags from Whole Foods. It says I USED TO BE A PLASTIC BAG but someone left off the AND NOW I'M A SELF-RIGHTEOUS DOUCHE part.
@Sundry