A really fat guy served me at McDonald's and said, "Sorry about the wait." I told him, "Don't worry, you're bound to lose it eventually."

It's not temptation if I want to do it, right?

85 degrees one day. Severe storms the next. Then mild. Tornadoes after that. Back to 85 and now only 70. It's confirmed. Nature is a woman.

Someone needs to get Mother Nature all hot and bothered so we don't have to wear these coats anymore!

Saw a woman this morning whose breasts hung down to her beltline. What a waist of boobs.

The only other reason I'm ever running is something is coming. So if you see me running, you may want to take note.

Feeling a little frisky today. Is it possible to get a TSA patdown without purchasing an airline ticket?

I'm really not insensitive. I just don't care.

Trying to get reimbursed from my insurance company. I'm having about as much luck as Lindsey Lohan getting clean and sober.

A no-nakedness weekend is a waste of 72 hours.

There's a reason I don't tweet as much on weekends. I'm not at work.

Mornings come way too early.

In space, no one can hear you scream. A gag ball works if you're anywhere else.

Am I the only one who starts twitching and shaking when away from Twitter for more than 5 minutes?

When you're baked, there's a reason fried food tastes great.

If this rain keeps up, they'll be racing sea horses at Churchill Downs on Saturday!

You know you've gotten older when you get up at 6 am instead of getting in at that time.

I rolled through a stop sign today. I'm a rebel.

Hottest day of the year so far. Air conditioner dies. On a holiday. Where's my damn blender?

Nothing says Memorial Day grilling like the smell of singed arm hair!