It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, the new boss is going to *love* my new two-day work weeks.

You've spent too much time in the office if you ever had a your life flash before your eyes in PowerPoint.

I don't believe in reincarnation….although I did in my previous life.

My dad took me camping, I told him I'm afraid of bears in the woods, he said don't worry son they've all been stung to death by scorpions.

Uh oh, I'm having an out-of-money experience right now.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. ~ Elayne Boosler

It seems that everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet. Right?

When life seems difficult, do what the Marines do, "Embrace the Suck"

Why didn't someone tell me that the rest of my computer still works when your internet goes down.

Have u ever noticed that as soon as you get rid of what u no longer need or want, new things start to show up?

They're doing full-body pat-downs at the airport. I didn't get on any airplanes but I did get off.

Does anyone want to trade ruts with me for awhile?

The more authentic you are the more attractive you become to others.

I was in Denny's one night & couldn't figure out what to order, so I asked her what she recommended, She said, ..'the IHOP'

Right now I'm in between naps.

I just watched "Men Who Stare at Goats". I'm using my mind right now to get you all to Star this tweet.

Wow that Angry Birds app is for real in Arkansas.

The next pie chart someone shows me better be cherry.

If you speak one word at a time you'll sound like William Shatner. Try it!