Had parent-teacher conference this morning. It went nothing like that porn movie I saw years ago.

Masturbation on an airplane should have been called "hijacking". Terrorists really do ruin it for everyone.

The way Arizona is going, 50 years from now schoolchildren will be reading "The Diary of Anna Francisco-Hernandez".

People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one comes close.

Whenever anyone points out 1.11.11 today, I plan on yelling "Yahtzee!" until they leave.

Not to brag, but my six-year-old daughter is stinking up the bathroom at a 10th grade level.

How did "Hans Solo" not catch on as an euphemism for masturbation?

If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked if I was bad at math, I'd have $0.62 cents.

Having a little girl can be a challenge as a dad. Tea parties are the worst. We always end up fighting over who has to be Sarah Palin.

The child lost a top front tooth today. I really wish she would stop using meth.

Me? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions. We're catch-and-release vegetarians.

Tough day today. I had to tell the highway near my house that it was adopted.

I hope Justin Bieber has male-pattern baldness early. Twitter would EXPLODE from all of the "Shaved Bieber" jokes.

I'm sure that all of the war veterans are grateful that we're remembering their buddies who died via a 50% off mattress sale this weekend.

The child wants to be Dora for Halloween but since we live in Arizona I'm worried that she'll get deported.

Not saying my marriage is in trouble, but the child just told us that she's going to get us a "Get Well" card for our anniversary.

I'm so busy today, I can't see straight. I can't see gay either.

The wife just had me put some pictures on the wall, including some with me in them. That means I'm totally hung now, right? Ladies?

Alanis Morrissette just married a rapper. I wonder if it's real or just for ironic purposes?

Quick parenting dilemma: Is it okay to teach a 5-year-old to do shots if we're using chocolate milk instead of tequila?