Ma'am,I cannot explain the complex series of events that led to dunking my nuts in your beverage.I can only apologize and offer you coupons.

A sad day for the entertainment industry today. Kenny G was found alive in his home in LA.

Sometimes I wonder if we actually ended slavery or did it just expand to include everybody?

Great news for Amy Winehouse, she has finally managed to stay sober for over a week.

I think we can all agree that adopting an elephant as your primary mode of transportation is pretty bad-ass.

#AManShouldNot pay a woman cash directly for sex. It is best to launder the sex via some conventional method... such as marriage.

I would like to pay homage to the fruit roll up; without your contribution, edible undies would still be just a dream. Thanks fruit roll up.

Whenever a guy at the bar says something like "I'm so horny I'll screw anything that moves," I stay very still just in case he's serious.

Scientists have created a camera with such fantastic shutter speed that it's now possible to take a photo of a woman with her mouth closed.

Eavesdropping on a stranger's phone call, I actually heard someone say, "Dammit Jim I'm a doctor, not a stylist, streak your own pubes."

I'm straight and I think it is fine for gays to have marriage. Just one thing, I want the rainbow back.

Whenever I hear any jam band the music always speaks to me; it says "I've just discovered weed, I own an instrument, and I live with mom."

Why isn't competitive fucking a sport yet?

Hey Obama? You say 80% of Americans are ok with higher taxes... did you happen to ask the 20% that actually pay the taxes?

Fuck. The older I get the more I start looking like one of Henson's muppets.

I wonder if the people that put Mercedes hood ornaments on their cheap imports have circular driveways around their trailers?

21 shots of tequila in 3 hrs; waking up in a room full of naked strangers and no memory to cling to. Please don't let it hurt when I walk.

Is it me or did Slash's Super Bowl cameo seem like a very "Weekend at Bernie's" moment?

I usually enjoy sex with deaf women but I have to say I am getting pretty tired of that signer popping up everytime I have something to say.

The greatest thing about a potential female president is that for the first time in a long time, a woman really wants to screw me!