Don't worry, the right someone is out there for everyone. You'll probably never find them, or fuck it up when you do, but they're out there.

Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.

I like it when I open a document and my monitor says WORD and I'm like YO.

People, put a dollar in the jar every time you masturbate. Trust me on this. {Sent from my yacht}

Show me on this irreplaceable ecosystem where BP touched you.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

You don't get it, officer. Those people in the trunk were already dead to me.

Here's what you do: Write your joke about the horror in Japan on a piece of paper, fold it into sharp corners, then shove it up your ass.

I keep selecting "Airplane Mode" but it's still just a fucking phone.

Follow your brain. Your heart's a fucking idiot.

I was almost 10 years old before there was frosting on Pop-Tarts, so don't cry to me about your petty hardships.

Someday, your prince will come. Way too quickly. Before pulling out. While you're at the very peak of your ovulation cycle.

Try not to let your head grow along with your followers count; humans tend to gather around car wrecks, too.

Pandas are so cute that when they die they're given an awwwtopsy.

Valentine's Day is that one day of the year when when couples pretend to be happy and singles pretend to be sad.

If your own children annoy you that much, just imagine how the rest of us feel.

You'll notice there's still no show called America's Got Healthcare.

Let's play Glock, Paper, Scissors. I'll go first.

Women are lucky, men NEVER outgrow the threat of teen pregnancy.

World population will soon pass 7 billion, over twice the people of just 50 years ago, and I can still only find about 3 that I can stand.