I bet the Ancient Egyptians rocked at Pictionary.

"Macs don't get viruses" is the new "only gays get AIDS".

Kites are basically really needy balloons.

"Wash an American Apparel once, it's a full size smaller" -@DanBenjamin

"Twice, & you grow an ironic mustache." –@HotDogsLadies

The great thing about Thin Mints, aside from being a delicious breakfast is they double as a substitute for brushing your teeth.

When I play badminton it's more like terribleminton.

Thanks Internet. I searched for insomnia help & found tons of blogs with giant lists of advice. I stayed up all night reading them.

Folks assume I'm lazy 'cause I'm fat, and I'd offer a compelling argument against them, but this carrot cake ain't gunna' eat itself.

There’s a fine line between self-deprecating humor & reinforcing people’s disdain for you. I really wish I would've known earlier.

Oh, I get it. Just because I’m a fat guy I must eat ALL-THE-TIME?! Well, I’ll tell you wha…oh wait, the oven went off. Taquito Party!

Coolest shortcut ever: with one hand hold space-v-6-n-m and wait until you notice you're flipping yourself off.

Man, insomnia makes me thirsty. Oh, hello, Mountain Dew. That’s refreshing.

If I had my own personal collection of unfinished works it would be mostly full of attempts to ask girls out.

When eating odd, unidentifiable food I always tell myself “it’s a mushroom, it’s totally a mushroom, man I hope it’s a mushroom”

I hate you, but I'm just not IN hate with you.

Don't ask *me* why the kid has six air fresheners tied to his diaper. Must've done it himself.

Did Dyson invent Mondays? Because, they've got twice the regular suction.

Resist the urge to say "NICE CANS" to student on her way to recycle. Resist the urge to say "NICE CANS" to student on her way to recycle ...

If I ever wrote a suicide note it would probably read: Dear Universe, we're breaking up.

It’s 1:12 and I haven’t eaten yet because I’m too lazy to get food. Yes, I’m American.