Eating four stalks of celery after a large Dairy Queen Blizzard evens it all out, right?

Hoping to go to the beach today, read, have a glass of wine, and write a little bit. I love California.

Sitting sidesaddle is comfortable but really confuses the guy in the next stall.

Mid-30s male with a beard at Chipotle is wearing a "FBI: Female Body Inspectors" tshirt. The dream of being a 90's pedophile is still alive.

I think I have food poisoning. Why did I eat that tray of food poison?

We don't play nearly enough practical jokes on snakes.

Might just change all my passwords to "Beyonce?" and then take a power nap.

Good news, Jonah Hill is fat again.

This just feels better.

Every Planned Parenthood is next to a Food 4 Less.

My wife's following our new Roomba around telling it where to vacuum so I guess what I'm saying is problem solved.

I will probably never have enough shirts that make me look like a lesbian Vietnam war veteran.

There's something perfect about the idea of sending Internet entrepreneurs into space. They want to go. And we want them to go.

Wondering why the paper in fortune cookies doesn't burn up during baking. And also why no university is offering me an honorary doctorate.

Does the word "die-die" refer to a diaper or diarrhea or both? I need to tell this flight attendant what I just did.

let's get matching tattoos of a Dorito

Judging by all the crap covering our refrigerator, my wife is heading a task force to unravel a plot to take over our children's school.

Soccer? I hardly know'er.

"I'll shower after the gym" doesn't sound so bad til you find out I haven't been to the gym since February.

I'm sure the new anti-obesity campaign is well-intentioned, but "Bros Before Ho-Hos" is a terrible slogan.

I know "Working for the Weekend" is by Loverboy because of an Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode. So long, adults table privileges.