THE INTERNET CAUSED YOU TO HAVE CRUSHES ON PEOPLE WHO LIVE NO WHERE NEAR YOU GEOGRAPHICALLY BUT YOU STILL LOVE THEM!

Is it cool if guys pee themselves a bit or is that only for girls, where it cute for them to pee themselves? either way i just did...

Contrary to popular belief, I do not exist outside the internet.

I'm worried sick with all the unrest in Africa. I hope my Nigerian Prince's are safe and are still getting the checks I've been sending.

Using my inside your head voice.

TWO WORDS: TACO WAFFLE (ok four, well six, ok eight, never mind eleven)

stll not letting white people use the n word in conversation #blackfriday

Whatever your doing if its not topless, I'm not watching you do it.

You're supposed to be able to ask you're neigbhor 4 help, I got a wtf look, I asked for a cup of north african camel semen, NOT A GALLON!

I use my morning wood to open doors for me, it's the closest thing to "the force" besides that time i got mystic in the woods on shrooms.

Changing my name to Lawrence of Her Labia.

REMEMBER THAT TIME I WAS FROZEN IN CARBONITE AND YOU KEPT RUBBING MY CROTCH INSTEAD OF GETTING ME OUT!
HAAALLLAAAAARIOUS!

You know what I love more than kicking babies? Nothing.

My favorite shade of gray is probably Dorian.

Started sobbing heavily in the car to start physically preparing for Radioheads new album. See also: emo lube

All the Kennedy's I love are dead.

If you feel something on your shoulder, its not my hand.

Does this white window less van make me look creepy? I had to tweet this cause talking with this ball gag isn't as easy as one might think.

I missed my doctors appointment by 25 hours, so close!

You know you have a good dentist by the firm grip he has on your ass, when you enter and leave his office.