Rumors Of Extramarital Affair End Campaign Of Presidential Candidate Who Didn't Know China Has Nuclear Weapons http://t.co/P6xx9IbE

Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies http://t.co/nb32o4qH

Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up 'ThunderCats' http://t.co/xk5TAaRU

Joe Paterno Dies In Hospital; Doctors Promise To Tell Their Superiors First Thing Tomorrow http://t.co/l8b5i5KM

Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns http://t.co/fRU2FDVT #OnionChildren

BREAKING: Apple Announces Plans To Release Steve Jobs 2 #OnionNewsNetwork http://t.co/dvSDfXdD

BREAKING: Panicking Apple Board Of Directors Attempt To Restart Steve Jobs #SteveJobs

Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition http://onion.com/qmRoss

Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took To Legalize Gay Marriage' http://t.co/wVvYZbEO #InFocus

Trojan Introduces 'No One’s Pleasure' Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples http://t.co/tyhT0Nc #OnionRelationships

Twitter Crashes From Sheer Volume Of Clear, Insightful Comments On State Of The Union http://t.co/61biAwOY

Tim Tebow’s Success Inspiring Other Teams To Start Shitty Quarterbacks http://t.co/UG99osJU

New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves http://t.co/lUXoLwNk #OnionWorkplace

Ben Roethlisberger Close To Completing Offseason Without Committing Sex Crime http://t.co/2bDVUla #OnionGOOMF

BREAKING: 'I'm Still In Charge Of Libya,' Mumbles Qaddafi From Inside Compound's Air Vent

"When people read Comic Sans, the same areas in the brain light up as when they view fat people or penguins." http://t.co/FDE9Ca9

Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System http://onion.com/qA9NG4

Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon http://t.co/XDZLPk4f

600-Pound Butter Cow Sculpture Wins Iowa Caucus http://t.co/kqEqV6oV

Bachmann Says Unexplained Blackouts From Which She Wakes Up Covered In Blood Won't Affect Ability To Lead http://onion.com/n7hn4j