Ten year old girl missing in Tilbury. Name Jessica, wearing pink fleece if you see her contact police immediately 999. Please Retweet.

"Hello, Schrodinger's cattery, how may I help you?" "Oh, we left Pebbles with you, just ringing up to ask if he's OK?" 'Yes and no."

It all kicked off when I was doing security at the Brits one year. Steps vs Jamiroquai. I was the only thing between H and JK.

Lucian Freud dies at 88. His last two fat ladies.

OMG. RT @jennycolgan: Todays most unfortunate website address http://t.co/JDM9AhRp (via @gralefrit and @pussellrarker)

The collective noun for hermits is a "failure".

The newspapers now read to me like match reports of fixtures we all watched live on Twitter.

The interesting thing about I'm a Celebrity... being in Australia is you can watch people's careers going down the plughole the wrong way.

Most people are in fact like Marmite:- a by-product of the brewing industry.

This is getting ridiculous. I'm in one of the largest Maplins in London, and I still can't find anything off my wife's wish list.

Mr Murdoch's carer being arrested for simply trying to get his rice pudding to him on time.

At least three of these are actually brilliant. http://t.co/kVz3mYiQ

Bono warns his band about watching where they're walking when rambling. "A little knoll, Edge, is a dangerous thing."

Funniest thing I've read all week. RT @GasolineShorts: 56 best/worst analogies by high school students: http://bit.ly/UdBM

Picnic sex can lead to an anty climax.

You spend all day complaining about the beastly Tories and then you spend the evening live tweeting The Apprentice. I'll be in the woods.

They should do something like the Brit awards, but for music.

Richard Keys has killed his career with his own bear hands

Wow. Nailed. RT @mrchrisaddison: How to write Thought For The Day http://t.co/3ATRSArE (via the estimable @rebeccapeyton)

Most people are in fact like Marmite - a by-product of the brewing industry.