A little to the left. Yeah, right there. Now ease in slowly. Slooowly. Don't stop. Yes, right there. RighOH GOD!

Parallel parking is hard.

The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.

NyQuil: The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor hugging the ficus medicine.

I was going to make vodka marinara sauce for my potato gnocchi but now it's just marinara sauce and long story short I'm drunk.

I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

Need to signal an upcoming turn? Want to obey the law of the road? Introducing "the blinker," already available IN YOUR DAMN CAR.

"Are you at least 18 years old?" "Are you tall?" "Are you able to walk in platform heels?" I don't like where this job application is going.

Two hours of yoga later, I've realized that the only thing flexible about me is my morals.

Why do people keep leaving brochures on my car asking if I've "found Jesus"? Is there a lost Mexican I don't know about?

There really is no good way to tell someone they look like a sexual predator.

Half an hour of searching for my wallet and still no luck. I'll bet if it were an emotionally unavailable man I could find it.

My parents always said I could be anything when I grew up, but I don't think drunk, bitter and unemployed was what they had in mind.

Why is Facebook asking me if I want to switch to UK English? Have I been too patronizing? Is there something wrong with my teeth?

Boss: "Something smells dead in your office."
Me: "Don't worry, it's just my soul."

So scientists have developed a cloak of invisibility. Big deal. I can stand at an AT&T customer service desk and get the exact same effect.

There's no "I" in murder. But there is a "U".

A new study shows smart people tend to drink more. But I already knew I'm smarter with alcohol. And chattier. And nakeder. And regrettier.

Sorry I called you a vapid and vacuous bitch. In my defense, I didn't think you'd knew what that meant.

I like my coffee like I like my men: tied up in a burlap sack in the back of a Colombian warehouse.

The best thing about being unemployed is the long, drunken weekend that lasts until your next job.