What does a gal have to do to get laid? Oh yeah....find a guy....have a personality....bathe.....leave the house....nevermind.....

Based on my page this morning, I'm guessing either I was drunk tweeting last night....or my cat's have a new hobby.

If I had a nickle for everytime I had sex in the past few months, I wouldn't have enough money to buy a tissue to cry into.

Name 2 words that describe most of the people here. Twisted and Bitter. Put them together and what do you get? TWITTER.

If it wasn't for Monday, I'd never get fucked.

It's raining, it's pouring. My cat is loudly snoring. My job is fucking boring. My sex life isn't scoring, I need laying like new flooring.

Molds to the left of me, fungus to the right.

Here I am, stuck in the mildew with you.

New followers! More people to read my crap! More reasons to try and be funny! More stress! More reasons to drink. Welcome new enablers!!

So Iceland has a huge dust cloud now. That's nothing! Everytime I open my legs, a huge dust cloud rolls out. I really need to get laid soon.

As many followers as I've lost this week, I'm thinking I should start dating all of you. That way, when you leave me, I'll expect it.

My first laugh of the day usually involves reading the crap I wrote the night before while totally shitfaced. Then the walk of shame begins

Peeing in the shower.

Hot running down my thigh.

My secret guilty pleasure.

Just Pee, Myself and I.

Pro tip: Never mow your lawn on a riding mower WITHOUT A BRA ON. I now have 2 black eyes and I think I ran over the left nipple.

I have 69 followers! 69! I'd like to celebrate it with a *69* but my cat won't cooperate and the neighbors have a restraining order. Again.

I just looked up Bukkake. I am very disappointed in you people. No, make that disgusted. No, more like horrified. Okay, kinda turned on now.

In the last 3 hours, I've had so much Caffe Mocha and Hershey's Kisses, when I burp it tastes like I blew Willy Wonka.

Due to the large amounts of oil spots on beaches in the Gulf Coast area, travel agencies now call these areas "Dalmation Destinations".

Stores that think they save money with those giant rolls of non-perforated toilet paper have never seen me playing 'The Mummy' in a stall.

I like my men the way I like snow;

less than 6",

cold,

soft,

and gone quickly.

I'm not doing this right, am I?

Watching 'Hoarders' is a good way to realize that no matter how dirty my house is, or lazy I am, I can at least FIND MY GODDAMN FLOOR!