"Everybody wants to go to heaven . . . nobody wants to die!"

"I'd be a Vegetarian if I didn't have to give up eating meat."

"I know what it takes to become a millionaire . . . a million bucks!"

@1knotwhole Just once I'd like to hear Obama say "Nigga Please"

"I don't believe in reincarnation, but then again I didn't believe in it last time either."

"Why when you have 31 Flavors stick with Rocky Road?"

When I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread out over a soccer field so that the kids can kick my ash.

Whoever said "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" was an idiot!

"I asked God if He could hear me . . . He said "No".

"I just got a big red "NSF" stamp today and I'm going to stamp "NSF" on the front of all my checks just for the hell of it."

@kellyskelly "I have some scissors . . . Lets Run"

"Whats right isn't always popular and whats popular isn't always right."

"You don't have to motivate passion, unless you're married"

"Never Drink and Drive . . . you might spill."

"Just think, if I was born one day earlier I would have written this yesterday."

"My ex-wife thought that the grass was greener on the other side . . . so now she's mowing someone else's lawn."

"Ed Hardy called . . . he wants his clothes back!"

RT @chrisanna4real Many of you, I fear are going to sign up your kids for twitter instead of a real therapist when it comes time.

Is anyone reading this?

"I just finished my first book . . . I enjoyed it so much I'm thinking about reading another one."