I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

This is my stepladder. My real ladder left when I was 5.

I've been trying to throw this boomerang away ALL GODDAMN DAY

Thanks to an open window and some unexpected rain I am now the proud owner of a wet dream catcher.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

I'm deep enough to admit that I would be a lot more interested in what you were saying if it was about me.

When I RT what I'm actually saying is "Fuck I wish I wrote that"

Oprah says I should throw out anything that doesn't make me feel fabulous.

And that's why these kids have got to go.

I'm assuming this girl ATE the girl who was originally wearing that miniskirt.

The existence of the 'snooze' button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.

This is a blessing in disguise.

It's disguised as misery.

May divorce be with you.

I'm almost sure this is the pub I was at last night. But to be wholly sure I'd have to lie on the floor and study the ceiling.

ok so there's 12 beers and 13 of us.
you know what this means don't you?

12 of you are going to have to leave.

Of course I will send you a topless photo, but then you have to marry me and buy my father a goat.

I'm not saying its your fault. I'm saying I'm blaming you.

Obama is personally going to take care of the oil spill? This is a man who took 6 months to pick a dog.

New Moon : One woman's angst filled choice between beastiality and necrophilia.

The swallow. Not just a pretty bird, also the ideal mascot for the Campaign Against Teen Pregnancy.

I may be stupid but at least I'm not good looking.