If the circles under my eyes get any darker there will be a total eclipse of my face.

PSA: The next person who tells me how many muscles it takes to smile will find out how many muscles it takes to get stuffed in a dumpster.

Drink your coffee, there are sleeping people in Africa.

How can you tell Twitter was designed by a male? The thumbnail of my picture is NOT centered around my face...

If you kill the messenger before they can give you bad news is that a "preemptive strike?" Related: I need a new bathroom scale.

I am trying to determine how much caffeine will be required to make me a productive human being today, so far the answer is... 'more'.

How much caffeine does it take to turn a zombie into a functioning human being? I'll let you know when I get there...

According to the newest lists I'm on. I'm a funny blogging member of the vagina mafia out on probation. Shit. I'm awesome!

So I was sick for two days and didn't tweet and got several new followers... Guys! I've been doing it wrong!

So 'Carpe Diem" means "Seize the Day." How do you say "throw it back" in Latin?

OMG... so. full. Explosion imminent. Tell the pumpkin pie I loved her. Maybe too much.

Something on my desk just farted. There is nothing alive on my desk. Hold me, I'm scared.

No seriously guys. You get a woman a pap smear for Christmas no jury in the world will convict her for your gruesome and painful death. None

The problem with having a sane, productive and almost enjoyable Monday is now I have to worry about when the real Monday will strike.

How few thoughts do I have to have per hour in order to be considered legally brain dead? I'm asking because... :slump: :Thump: :Drool:

Does this diet Pepsi make it look like I'd rather be drinking a beer?

I shot the server... but I did not shoot the DBA...

SOooo, Haagen Daaz has Brown Sugar flavored ice cream. It is wonderful, and I think it would go really well with bacon.

Does anyone have a spork? My eyes itches.

Sunday is that boring guy at work who wants to give you a 3 hour description of his gall bladder surgery.