if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.

Is it ok to say "OWNED!" to black people?

i've been sober one year today. laughter has been a big part of that. it's been an honor to share my clear mind with you all. love you guys.

whenever i see someone leaving the liquor store in their pajamas, i always hand them a card with 'www.twitter.com' on it.

if you've happened to earn a lot of followers from being clever, be clever enough to support those who are just as funny but have less.

i don't truly believe a blind person is blind until i throw a basketball at their face and they just let it happen.

so seal's face and forest whitaker's eye walk into a bar and that's it. that's the joke.

i always make the sign of the cross when i see sneakers hanging from powerlines to honor the brave skydivers that lost their lives.

just drank an entire bottle of soy sauce and now my farts can solve sudoku puzzles.

absolutely anything can be turned into a sexual innuendo if you don't care about having friends anymore.

i know it's absurd because i'm a man, but sometimes i like to pee on a pregnancy test because what if i'm the first of my kind?

i've got the body of a twenty year old.


will you help me get it out of the trunk?

"And this is where the tragic happens." "Don't you mean magic?" "Yeah, sure babe. Whatever. Take off your clothes."

the people who tell you that you are crazy for reinforcing your walls with steel are the same people who don't believe in the kool-aid man.

houston, we have a problem (bobby brown telling whitney they're out of crack cocaine.)

the one thing that picasso and smurfette have in common is that they both had a blue period.

they say each cigarette takes seven minutes off your life, but what if that was time i would have spent murdering? smoking saves lives.

wearing this bluetooth headset has really thrown people off the scent of my schizophrenia.

you know that feeling of that first star you get? well, you'll never get that back. you're chasing the dragon now fella.

"carrion my wayward son!"- said the vulture dad to his vulture son.