I am not saying you are ugly, but you look like you own a lot of cats.

I am one stupid person away from bursting into flames.

Instead of "go fuck yourself," I've started saying "go take yourself out to a nice dinner and whatever happens, happens."

It's commonly believed that condoms r the most embarassing item to buy@the grocery store,but I see your condoms &raise you a toilet plunger.

Why would you put Divorced as your marital status? It's called Single...what are you hanging on to?

Too many of my contingency plans rely on technology that has yet to be invented.

LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT! aka: laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero falls off and i drop my taco

I ran over a cat on the to work today. I had to swerve across two lanes of traffic to get him, but I got him!

Sometimes when I try really hard, funny things come out of my mouth. Unfortunately, they sometimes come out of my butt though too...

Putting a tatoo on your boob is like wiping a booger on the Mona Lisa. Just stop it.

Know what's fun? Have a long arguement w/someone on facebook. Then delete all your comments so it looks like theyre yelling at themselves.

Is anger management working if you punch someone exactly hard as you meant to?

Due to my brain's poor mental judgment, all new dating decisions will now be made by my magic 8 ball.

Human beings have 46 chromosomes. Potatoes have 48. Really makes you feel inferior doesn't it?

If I don't shake your hand when we first meet it's b/c I don't think you wash your hands after touching your genitals. Take it personally.

Logged in to Facebook and it seems all of my old classmates are turning into infants. Scary. I hope I'm not next.

I realized yesterday that the only difference between a Private Investigator and a stalker is the paycheck.

When life hands you lemons, throw that shit back and say "i demand cookies,bitch!"

I've always wanted there to be 'debauchery' scented candles. They would smell like weed, booze, & hooker spit. You would all love them!

Saturday the evangelical Christians are getting sucked into the sky never to return? Well, Christ Almighty that sounds like a party to me!