Ha ha, fuck you "tomorrow me", I'm having another beer!

My life is a constant battle to stop my wife from becoming her mother.

Discovered it's really easy to break into my house. Next I'll probably find out it's easy to sleep with my wife, too.

Pretty happy with my decision to cut up this cantaloupe and eat it instead of fucking it like I had originally intended.

Holding a sleeping baby is really damn cute until you realize the remote is just out of reach. And the porn is paused on balls.

I've resolved to only drink on Saturdays. With a 3 day grace period before and after, of course.

It's not OCD, I just hate when food touches other food. Separating all this rice is going to be tedious.

People who drink shitty beer are like the cavemen that continued to eat raw chicken after they invented fire.

Sex should be like cookie dough: raw with a chance of salmonella infection. Or maybe it shouldn't...I can't really remember sex.

Roleplaying with my wife now involves duct tape, a van, a deep hole, and a statewide manhunt...it's just too complex to be sustainable.

Because "duplex" is more culturally acceptable than "meth lab", that's why.

Handing the baby to my father-in-law is awkward because it's like saying, "Here's proof I fucked your daughter!"

I'd celebrate Canada Day, but all the Canadian porn ends with the guy saying, "Sorry, I'll get a towel."

Threesomes would be way more fun if I didn't always have to be the one hiding outside the window with the restraining order.

Thought it was Saturday when I woke up. Great. Now I have to stroll into the office and pretend I didn't have 3 beers for beakfast.
4.

You'd think that lesbians would be attracted to a guy with a beard, but no.

You're never too drunk to be a bad parent.

The Internet might be unreliable if society crumbles, so be sure to stock your bunker with plenty of paper-based porn. Also, beer.

The Thunderdome I'm building in the back yard should be finished in a few years. Then we'll find out which kid was the mistake.

She's gonna be so impressed when she gets home and sees I can take care of the kids by myself AND be this drunk!