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Anarchy club doesn't have a first rule.

Living in a college town means never having to say you're sober.

Dear Dad,

Thank you for not taking "no" as Mom's final answer.

Love,

Your Son

When I was a kid we had Twitter but we called it Pen Pals. I had photos of girls from all over, but most of them turned out to be guys, too.

There may be a fine line between clever and stupid but there is usually a crossing guard on duty.

Sometimes I just want to cry. Other times I want to build a rocket out of potatoes, travel to the planet Zorkan, and shop the outlet malls.

The first known use of the word 'destiny' occurred in the 14th century. But it was bound to happen eventually.

When I tell people they make a nice couple what I'm really doing is watching them have sex in my head.

Writers are the smartest people on the face of the earth but they're also the only ones reading each other's work.

I become very uncomfortable around people who can identify the gender of someone's pet without asking.

When I find the time I'm going to open a tumblr account so I can tell you all Twitter is a waste of time. Then I'm going to convince myself.

Sure, we can date but this can never be on Twitter. I already have a Twitter wife & mistress. And I think they're both the same guy.

Eyecare Clerk: And for $79 we can coat your lenses with anti-glare.
Me: Is that intended to benefit me or the people I glare at?

I don't like crossing social media platforms. Twitter is for humor. Tumblr is for thoughts. And Facebook is for assholes. You're welcome.

If I've learned one thing in this life it is to always clearly and emphatically answer "TEN" when asked to rate your pain.

The person who invented the staple remover had serious commitment issues but not as many as the person who invented the paper clip.

It isn't a boundary until you cross it.

I think it would be fair to say Romeo and Juliet would have grown old together if they would have had unlimited text messaging.

A coward is a hero with an advanced understanding of game theory.