I live in a dry county. The beer fairy left a 6-pack in my car. I love the beer fairy. Screw you nonbelievers!

I'm trying to eat better, do cheese nips fall under "dairy" or "bread"?

Abstinence makes the hard grow harder.

Everybody does NOT love raymond. Please, god, let there be something else on tv.

Tuesday is required by law to be better. Isn't that a law somewhere?

Forgot the rules. Seems my Mother unfriended me on facebook this morning. You would think she's never heard the word 'cunt' before.

My sister's tits lost me followers. What kind of crowd am I hanging out with? Fuckall.

If you aren't giving me a gift, keep your Merry Christmas shit to yourselves.

Anyone else have orgasm aftershocks? Like just when you think you've satisfied yourself another thought crosses your mind and BOOM. quiver!

Plan for the night? Twitter, beer, Survivor, beer, bed, sleep. In that order.

Give a man a fish and his fingers will smell like pussy for the rest of the day.

It's hell knowing that you're getting older. I was watching porn the other night and thought to myself, "Wow! That's a nice bed!"

My ass: Brought to you today by Butterfinger. Crispety, crunchety, peanutbuttery!

The Celtics: Easier to score on than your mom.

Bumblebee stung my ass today. F offered to kiss it. I said only if he would flip me over and eat me like a sweet watermelon when he got done

Decided to take an interest in baseball so I don't go around horny all day. Bad news -- now baseball makes me horny.

The world always looks so quiet and peaceful at this time of day. Then I get to moving & remind it of it's debauchery.

I'm about to pout. I missed a few days twittering and now nobody is talking to me. I'm still here! Still Me! Fuck.

I don't know what the hell I did last night, but when I woke up my belly ring was gone and my big toe was bleeding. I slept alone. I think.

Thanks to all my new followers. I've not been feeling funny lately, but, be patient. Can I just get you to send me pictures of your thighs?