Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I'm a die hard romantic.

When someone posts a pic here, I am the nerd who tries to read the titles of their books on a shelf behind them.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

You can't spell multitasking without tits. I forget where I was going with this.

With their experience in toys, strange LEGO hasn't made a vibrator. Its dotted, extend-able & women wont have to hide it when in-laws visit.

I couldn't care less about correcting people who use 'I could care less' instead.

As per my last count, an average guy here has: 3 wives, 7 mistresses, 5 gfs, 2.5 kids, 3 dogs, 2 cats, 9 dead kittens, & 1053 dead hookers.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

Going by how well my ex from hell is doing, I'd have to agree that Karma is a bitch that takes care of her own kind.

You say a new plant for the cubicle, I say thank you for saving me a trip to the bathroom And coffee room to spit in your mug.

My spirit animal ate my homework.

When you point at someone, 3 fingers point at you.
Instead, use your penis to point, the nuts aren't judgemental.

You know you are getting old when no one high-fives you after you complain about a backache. Or you know, if you are really ugly.

"For my next act, I will pull an opinion out of my ass." - every twit. Its magical.

I drink a lot water before going on a hike cuz you never where you will run into Bear Grylls and he may need your piss for his canteen.

My sex life is like a service pack from Microsoft. Happens every 6 months and less satisfactory than the last one. #justsaying

Someone has me listed in 'More-strange-and-odd.' There are others? I gotta find a way to communicate with the Mothership.

I loved my job so much, I set it free...