Stage 1.) Find the cat carrier. Stage 2.) Open the cat carrier. Stage 3.) Give cat time to forget about the cat carrier. Stage 4.) Bleed.

I think I bricked another hard drive. PC components tell ghost stories around the camp fire about me.

Say it aloud: “Carnal carny con carne.” It's like a paradiddle for the mouth.

Enjoying a mockingbird's morning concert. His repertoire includes "angry cardinal," "robin found a worm," and "baby starling wants food."

I'm running around like a head with its chicken cut off.

There's no “you” in “my vagina.”

“Remember, concentrate on the moment. Feel... don't think. Use your napkin.” #starwarsthanksgiving

Ace of Echo Base #starwarsbandnames

“One of my asshole roommates took my wristbands and now I have nothing to wear.” #TweetLikeYouAreAHipster

@sucittaM Doesn't matter. Just keep teasing the wee bald man and slap 'im on the head double-time.

On the sand. That's how I shoal.

Wishing @jasonpermenter + @rascouet all the best: They engage-a-rized today!

“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good baster at your side, kid.” #starwarsthanksgiving

@mocoddle [Ecstatic yelling] SPONGEBOB SQUARETHUMBS!

Why, brain, WHY? #disneyporn Escape from Bitch Mountin'

Just saw the AT&T commercial ripping off Jean-Claude and Christo. FUCK BBDO, FUCK AT&T, and FUCK iPHONES all to fucking fuck fuckity-fuck.

Enjoy yourselves, you Ciné-crazy kids. :: RT @jasonpermenter: Marmaduke was so-so. Moving on to A-Team.

@plaid_lemur Self check-out, AMIRITE?

Follower 101 is massively under-followed. In this corner, living up to her name: Jessica, La @HistrionicHussy, y'all amigos!

Things my box turtle loves: boiled eggs, strawberries, tomatoes, and grapes. Hates: "turtle chow," rain, bowling, discus, and hockey.