"Gee, they would've gotten my business if only they'd had a QR code." - Nobody, ever.

Whenever God closes a door, a fucking raptor opens it again because omg you guys raptors can open doors.

It's 2009. If your hotel doesn't have free WiFi, it better be because the signal pisses off the free unicorns you give to every guest.

Software patents in the real world: I now own the rights to "opening doors". Hope your business doesn't rely on moving between rooms!

Ugh. Toilet backed up. Called a plumber, but all he did was kill my turtle and eat all my flowers.

His paycheck is in another castle.

We've all been talking about your paranoia.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wifi.

Now I get it. Ikea is Lego for grown-ups.

It's really hard to say some things with a straight face. For instance, "honey, I'm having a stroke."

Roses are red,
and so is my blood.
You haven't been returning my calls,
I MADE YOU A GIFT.

Hey clouds -- why so cirrus?

GOP donates 800,000 bootstraps for Haiti victims to pull themselves up by.

Does the world really need another rhetorical question?

After years of research, I have concluded that Americans know precisely two British cities: London, and Narnia.

You know social media has gone too far when all your Christmas presents have twitter integration.

Sent from my ugly sweater.

I'm a genie, not a psychic; how was I supposed to know you had a stutter? Enjoy your mammalian doll dollars.

I'm not an expert, but maybe you'd have more luck finding Carmen Sandiego if you didn't keep assigning *children* to the case.

Depression revealed as major cause of terrorism; TSA to start screening emotional baggage.

And so passes another year in which I did not need to know how to use a protractor.

Every day, more and more people are worrying about overpopulation.