I want to complain to the News Of The World so I've left them a message on my voicemail.

This is not the calendar-based joke you're looking for.

On the District Line. This man point-blank refused to give up a Priority Seat for a disabled elderly man. Cunt. http://twitpic.com/5px1ag

Before you close a web page make sure you scroll up to the top, so it's in the right position for the next person.

Fuck it, this costume's too good to take off. Going to a meeting now. http://t.co/jP2yiP8J

Roses are red, violets are red, everything's red, retinal haemorrhage.

I was born an abbot and I will Diane Abbott

Just had an unrealistic dinner at CGI Fridays.

Hi @piersmorgan - just checking how you like your surname spelled. Is it big M, little organ?

The first rule of Mime Club is you do not talk during Mime Club.

Paul Gambaccini's answerphone: I can't get to the phone but if a musician's died, my quote is "They were a hugely important figure in music"

An albino fruit salad doesn't have any melon in.

Remember, Twitter's having a fire drill at 11am tomorrow. Everyone assemble outside Bebo.

The good thing about Hollyoaks is you can miss a few episodes and the next time you watch it you're still a cunt.

How many signatures do we need to get David Starkey voted out of the gays?

Can people stop slagging off @PiersMorgan please. He has more talent in his little finger than in the rest of his body put together.

If I had a pound for every time I've played the lottery I would have broken even.

I'd probably save twenty minutes a day if I didn't type "Sent from my iPad" at the end of all my emails.

Can someone help me guess this Draw Something game? Thanks x http://t.co/BV12fSCd

During the day it's known as Jekyll Park