Abercrombie & Fitch sells clothes? I thought they sold shirtless boys?

Married so long, I can't remember what's "third base." Is that when you pop Viagra out of the blister pack? Or when you turn off Family Guy?

Monday just told me I had "a pretty mouth."

In my Facebook thread, the same woman who called people stupid for believing in global warming just posted her horoscope.

There must be an enormous amount of pressure on the untalented homeless right now.

"Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" – Childrens book to be written by me.

The problem with Chinese New Year is that you want another new year only an hour later.

Okay, Tea Party. Your turn. Let's see those GED certificates.

Are you saying my homemade Iron Man costume is "dorky" because you want your pots and pans back? OR BECAUSE YOU ARE JEALOUS?!!

The Civil War started because Jefferson Davis kept demanding to see Abraham Lincoln's birth certificate.

Got my letter from the Census! Wait. This is a letter from a Centaur. Who'd dare give a creature of the woodland realm a word processor?

I visit the pre-school to tell a random boy that I'm him from 30 years in the future. "Don't eat the BLUE fruit roll-up," I say cryptically.

Dominated my seven-year-old son in miniature golf last night. I built a nice trophy for myself with his Legos, but he just kept sobbing.

The children are not only the future, they are the present reason why there's a sandwich wedged in your pricey blu-ray player.

Tony LaRussa looks like a man dressed like a woman dressed like a man.

Whenever I see lightening, I silently congratulate the Highlander another victory.

None of your tweets are going to look very funny on a document titled "Exhibit A."

The Americans who are excited about the Royal Wedding are the same people who are ecstatic about Olive Garden's endless soup and salad.

When life give you lemons, put them in your pants and trick your friends with your MONSTER BALLS!

My wife is trying on new swimsuits. This will either end in a new swimsuit or me being blamed for something that happened in 1807.