Mike Tyson has become a vegan. He's the most socially conscious rapist ever.

Trojan introduces new "Fire & Ice" condoms. Now the rest of us can finally feel what it's like to have an STD.

Girls who say "I hate drama" can usually be found drunk and crying on a public toilet.

I wonder if people in 3rd world countries know we get to choose between crushed and cubed ice.

Some airlines banning babies from first class! This is great because I hate when babies give me those smug looks as I walk through to coach.

Study shows women are less likely to keep their cars clean. Yeah, because we don't need a clean car to get laid.

Louisiana passes bill to let people bring their guns to church. You know, in case Jesus responds to a little intimidation.

If Tupac can perform at Coachella, I expect some really big things from Jesus next Easter.

I'm not TEAM JACOB. I'm not TEAM EDWARD. I'm TEAM WHY DOESN'T HOLLYWOOD MAKE ANY GOOD FUCKING MOVIES ANYMORE??

Nothing is more terrifying than another human being walking toward you with a smile and a clipboard.

Carl's Jr. now makes a foot long burger. Your move, KFC.

Today is Halloween. Or as Lady Gaga calls it, amateur night.

Bristol Palin & Levi Johnston have decided to practice abstinence until they marry. Next, they plan to look up the word abstinence.

Woman uses pink stun gun on a Wendy's worker over a botched fast food order. Wait a minute. Stun guns come in pink? I totally want one now!

Kim Kardashian stormed out of recording session when making her single. Sadly, I couldn't storm out of my car when it played on the radio.

Mexican restaurants that charge for chips & salsa are a little too comfortable with the American dream.

Las Vegas is considering a hula-hoop ban. Because a prostitution or gambling ban would just be silly.

Is it bad that whenever I hear someone dies in Los Angeles my first thought is that another parking space has opened up?

Hand sanitizer is really just a gateway drug for OCD.

No, I don't want to go to your kid's recital. I can pull my hair out just fine on my own.